Über Desi

Keeping it real, desi ishtyle

My own private India – Swiss edition

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Hello! My name is Joel Swine and I write for Schtime magazine in Switzerland. Recently I traveled back home and I experienced some reverse culture shock. [NYT]

p.s. Much thanks to my evil American alter-ego for providing the inspiration for this post. [Time]

I am in favor of tourism everywhere except in Engelberg, Switzerland. It appears a small church in my town was featured in a Bollywood movie called “The Brave Heart Will Take the Bride”. The mostly white rural town I left is now teeming with lovestruck Indian couples reenacting scenes from their favorite movie.

Vishal and Jagruti Purohit had traveled here from Mumbai, India, on their honeymoon, but they had a greater mission: to find the small village church that provided the backdrop for a scene in their favorite movie, a 1995 Bollywood blockbuster called “The Brave Heart Will Take the Bride.”

Heck, even though they are mostly Hindus, these Indians, who besides showing us how to reboot our computers, show up in our churches where some scenes of this DDLJ (Braveheart bride blah blah) movie were filmed. Why can’t they pray to their gods with multiple arms and an elephant nose and a dozen vowels at the end of their names?

In the scene, two young Indians, played by Mr. Purohit’s favorite actor and actress, see their love seeming to come to an end. She kneels and prays, while he cavorts in the dark, neo-Gothic church. In the end, she breaks off an engagement and he wins her hand.

My town is totally unfamiliar to me. The alpine slopes where I used to ski have been replaced by teems of Bollywood wannabes striking poses for their Patel snaps (why not Singh or Reddy or Iyer snaps, IDK).The Indian tourists, who come mostly in summer, has doubled in the last decade. I suspect they come in summer because Indian people can’t ski.

“In June, the Zurich newspaper Tages-Anzeiger featured an article with the headline Into the Luxury Hotel with a Gas Cooker, noting that in some hotels an entire caste of guests is no longer desired: the Indians. The article catalogued the complaints of hotel managers: guests who cook curry dishes on camping stoves in their rooms; guests who use bath oils that blacken tubs; guests who book for a husband and wife, only to show up with the entire family.”

I never knew how a bunch of people half a world away chose a random town in Switzerland to visit. Must be the lure of their crappy Bollywood movies

“shot on location in this country’s high Alpine meadows, around its serene lakes, and in its charming towns and cities to convey an ideal of sunshine, happiness and tranquillity”.

First came one of their most overrated and successful directors, Raj Kapoor, to film his movie called Sangam. He was followed by an equally overrated and successful director, Yash Chopra, who apparently while losing his virginity on his honeymoon promised his wife

“that every movie he made would have to have one romantic song or scene in Switzerland”.

Ever since, every time he makes a movie, he gets a do-over on losing his virginity by interjecting

“dream scenes in which lovers dance or romp on Alpine meadows strewn with flowers or roll in the snow in unlikely flimsy Indian garb on wintry slopes”.

in his movies.

Then came their not-so-bright Bollywood cousins and the Indian tourists and we started to understand why India is full of slumdogs.

That’s it for this article. The “Braveheart will take the Bride” movie reminds me that the local cable channel is running a Mel Gibson marathon and I’ve to brush up on my bigotry.

Über Desi responds: We sincerely regret that any of our readers were upset by this humor column of Joel Swine’s. It was intended to cause offense and since it worked we suggest you Indian people resort to Gandhigiri and send us flowers.

Joel Swine responds: I truly feel stomach-sick that I hurt so many people. I’m a no-talent assclown and even the presence of “clown” in my title in not indicative of the lack of humor in my writing works. I have a penchant for penning rambling articles that are likely to offend many, regardless of comedic effort, so I would like to offer my lame apologies.

We want to give Nikki Haley back

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Nikki Haley ( img via CNN)

A while ago , a fellow blogger on UD wrote this post on Nikki Haley - up and coming Republican representative of Indian origin,

However, we would like to withdraw any desi claim ( Uber or otherwise) to Ms.Haley.

Will Folks, the editor of what many consider the state’s most influential political news Web site, wrote Monday that he had an “an inappropriate physical relationship” with Haley, who is married with two children, several years ago( link)

Before anyone gets their chuddies into a twist over this.

“I have been 100 percent faithful to my husband throughout our 13 years of marriage,” Haley said in a statement issued by her campaign. “This claim against me is categorically and totally false.”

Haley called the accusation “sad” and “disgraceful” and questioned the timing of the charge, which comes just days after some polls indicated Haley vaulting to the front of the four-way Republican primary race.

I am not going to bother to state that a candidates private life is of zero concern to me OR that the double standards over women politican’s transgressions vs. male politicans will definitely come into play ( Remember John Edwards? And how the media protected his lying, cheating ass through the Primary?)

I will even not labor on the fact that Folks did something horribly disgraceful ( far worse than the affair -  even assuming this charge is true) by publicly blogging about a private a relationship , obviously without the consent of the other party or concern for her children.

No- what I want to say is that : Nikki Haley cannot be desi.

Because we all know that desi women do not have affairs (Chee! Chee!). It is simply against our “culture”.

What is more, desis do not have sex at all – leave apart extra marital sex.

So can we give her back?

Lindsay Lohan in lesbian love affair with a desi?

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This post may well have been subtitled “Uberdesi hits new low in attempt to boost readership!”

So per that bastion of journalistic integrity,  “The NY Post” , Lindsay Lohan has a new “cougar” girlfriend. None other than Julia I. Pal-Chaudhari aka Indrani, one half of the “famous” lens duo of Markus Klinko and Indrani , who have shot album covers for the likes of David Bowie (link). With a name like that , we can only assume that Indrani Pal – Chaudhari has some desi connection but we can’t be bothered to verify that.

Indrani told The Post, “We have been spending a lot of time together. I have never had a relationship with a woman before, but Lindsay is just somebody who I find fascinating, gorgeous and extremely smart, as well as super-hot.

Alas, that was a most short-lived relationship because that other bastion of journalism, popeater.com reports:
Lohan has already shot back to deny the affair, telling UsMagazine.com, “No, no, no… In NO way am I dating her.”
However, at UD we don’t really care. We wanted to get you to read this post and we succeeded!

Joining the mile high club

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Desi ishtyle [link] (tip maisnon via email)

No thanks to Anurag Mathur’s The Inscrutable Americans, it has been every desi guy’s dream to join the mile high club. Murali Nookella achieved it in typical desi ishtyle and probably landed himself on the FBI no-fly list.

Say you’re a 34 year old horny male computer programmer from the subcontinent stuck on a boring cross country flight. What do you do for fun? If your name is Murali Nookella, the answer would be: pull out the male organ and start pleasuring one’s self.

A Delaware man is facing a federal criminal charge after he was caught yesterday masturbating on a plane while seated next to a female passenger.

Apparently Nookella was so into himself he did not mind sharing the view with his fellow passengers.

The woman, identified only by her initials in the affidavit, said that Nookella’s “eyes were closed and his hands moved all around his groin area” underneath a “mustard/gold blanket pulled up to his waist.” As the woman packed up her belonging to move seats, she “looked at Nookella and saw him holding his erect penis.”

On getting caught, one’s reaction would be quickly cover up and got into plausible deniability mode, or so you would think.

The woman said that Nookella remarked, “You caught me.” Nookella held a napkin in his left hand, the woman told the FBI.

And this is where, Nookella earns major accolades, not only did he not cover himself up, he actually went ahead and …. ummmm …. finished the job.

According to Nishida’s affidavit, a copy of which you’ll find below, the woman “did not look but heard a swishing sound. She thought Nookella wiped something.”

Ladeej and genteelman, Murali Nookella, the first official inductee into the mile high club – desi ishtyle.

Republic of India@60

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60 years ago, when the constitution of India was adopted, our freedom fighters hardly expected the unity to remain fragile 60 years later. We stand united in our love for ‘miley sur mera tumara’ for it’s star value and…wait! Before I can finish my latest news on our unity, there were a few interruptions, mostly controversies this video generated. But, watch the video first…

Now back to the latest news, (only 10 or 20 min old) depending on whether you watched the second part of the video or not.

Raj Thackeray condemned the video and proclaimed that every character in the video should sing in Marathi only, pointed by a reporter that it was a about the integration of multi-cultures, he chucked the reporter out of his castle (built of chamchas stacked upon each other), for using an English word in the question, while this was on TRS leecher leader K Chandrashekar Rao, demanded that Telugu actor Mahesh Babu’s part in the video be cut out or he would fast unto death because Mahesh Babu (born and schooled in Chennai and married to Hindi actress Namrata Shirodkar), was an Andhrite. Ignored by public, he threw a few pebbles, hurt his own little finger and ran on the roads of Hyderabad with screams of ‘Jai Telangana’, and promising freedom to all Telangana people from the dreaded Andhra dictators, who were apparently Caucasian like the Britishers and demanded that all Andhrites cross over beyond the imaginary line in his head.

Tamil Nadu politicians expecting the impending trouble, translated all Hindi lyrics to Tamil long before the video was made or imagined in a director’s head.

Imamullah hakimullah Pasha, in the meanwhile threatened to burn the channels broadcasting the video, because Salman Khan was not wearing a burkha. The saffron wing parties like the Ram sena, came there to join the chorus because little kids both boys and girls were in close proximity that was clearly western influence and inducing low morals in their fragile minds, so they tried to beat up the kids gathered there, but ended up fighting Imamullah hakimullah’s henchmen.

The terrorists who had come from across the border, got confused in the melee and blew themselves up prematurely, but nobody noticed them, until each political party tried to show the deaths as self immolation by their party workers.

Mayawati, who recently made Taj Mahal her official residence complained randomly about castes and cultures, while demanding that three videos come out of UP each signifying a future state, like that of her mind dealing with multiple personality disorder.

Mallika Sherawat and Sherlyn chopra gave interviews, calling the video bland and tasteless because it didn’t have any sensuality in it, and the only way would have been to include both of them strutting and singing in American-accented imaginary languages. Rakhi Sawant proclaimed that in the next season of her reality show, she would invite a guy from each state for her swayamvar, apparently she included the state of ‘Cannada’ with capital Ottawa in her list.

While this was happening, the media was seen camping outside actor Rekha’s residence demanding that she make a comment about Big B’s appearance in the video, or they  would make up random stuff about she watching the video a hundred million times in her house, though they were not even sure if she had a TV or watched it.

This could also be the reason why you may not have heard of this news elsewhere, but trust me, this is all true, at least in my own head.

Happy Republic Day India. Happy Republic day.

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