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Brown in America

Brown Man’s burden

By: Runa :+: Under: Brown in America, Culture, Desi Please
On: ⋅ January 29, 2008 ⋅  Email this post ⋅  Print this post ⋅ Post a comment
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I love reading “Agony Aunt ” columns. Partly because of my general interest in human nature but, if I am honest, mainly because I feel much better about my life when I realize the myriad problems - real and imagined -that people have !

I had to share this letter written to Margot Carmichael Lester - a freelance writer based in the Bible belt state of North Carolina- who has an advice column on msn.match.com that deals with faith-based issues.The letter is obviously written by a desi calling himself “Vexed Vishnu”( hereinafter referred to as VV)

I’m Hindu, but many women think I’m Muslim. Recently, a woman I wanted to date told me that her friends are afraid I will try to convert her and take her to another country, never to be seen again! (Editor’s note: What ? They mistook him for Adnan Ghalib?) Many women assume things about me because of the way I look and dress. I want to educate them about the differences between Christians and Hindus (and between Hindus and Muslims), but am afraid to broach the subject for fear that it will make the situation worse. Any ideas on how to accomplish this? I don’t want to lose dating opportunities just because of this misunderstanding.

On a positive note, VV is branching out and I can appreciate that. On the less postive note-Dude, come on ! How old is this girl -thirteen? Faint heart never won a fair lady and all that sort of thing. What drove me to write this post, however, was not the anguish of our Majnu(n) - it was Margot’s response.

Margot basically advocates a kind of passive-aggressive response and at times her own feelings veer towards veiled hostility. She admits

Your case is even more complicated because of our country’s current climate of fear and intolerance. You’re being treated unfairly, no doubt about it

Yet, she proceeds to advice that he should be “cautious in his endeavor” because the poor, ignorant people who fear him do do because

You’re just the most accessible example of something they’ve been uncomfortable with for years

Sounds suspiciously apologistic to me ! She goes on to advocate a take - it - slow strategy

Most prejudice is grounded in fear. And much of what we fear comes from what we don’t know. Letting these people get to know you — as you, the person, not you, the representative of faiths and nationalities they’re afraid of — is your best bet.

I do not buy this at all. So because some people are ignorant , VV should refrain from trying to educate them and instead hope that his personality and charm will win them over until they stop seeing him as the ‘other’. Wonderful ! Just be yourself and all prejudice and xenophobia shall end !

The columnist goes on to say

Once people get to know you, they’re more likely to treat you as a person, with the respect that you deserve, rather than as a symbol of something they’re uncomfortable with. Then, and only then, should you consider broaching matters of custom and culture. And, to be quite honest, even if things are going well, you might want to make a rule for yourself that you let them ask first

I dunno about that - grin and bear it did not seem to work for Mr. Singh or these folks.

What Margot Carmichael is doing is putting the onus back on VV and having him earn the respect of his girlfriend’s friends and family. If the only reason that they choose not to respect him is his religion or perceived religion- I do not see why he has to work so hard to win them over. This is a great opportunity for an edumacation for these haters. Yet, Ms.Carmichael would have VV forgo that in favor of a wishy-washy response hinging on hope and a probably incorrect belief that ultimately the ‘truth shall prevail’.

Ms.Carmichael winds up with :

My hope for you is that you’ll one day be surrounded by people who like you for who you are and who accept your culture and beliefs without requiring you to explain yourself or prove anything.Life’s too short, it seems to me, to spend time convincing people you’re a decent guy. There’ll be lots of lovely ladies looking to make the acquaintance of guys like you… ladies who likely have more tolerant and open-minded friends and family.

Ma’am, hope is not a strategy!So let’s recap , Ms.Carmichael advocates:

- VV putting up and shutting up

- VV twisting himself into a pretzel ( jalebi?) figuratively to demonstrate what a swell guy he really is despite being brown and Hindoo

- And finally, VV abandoning all efforts and moving on to greener pastures.

My own advice to VV is to nix the first two and go straight to the third- find someone who is mature enough to either ignore the haters or surround herself with more tolerant people.

Is it just me or do I sense that at some level Ms.Carmichael herself believes that the suspicion and xenophobia is justified? What do you think? Am I being overly sensitive or is this too much analysis of what ultimately is a column that dispenses advice- all of it not necessarily good ?

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