porn
noun:
creative activity of no literary or artistic value other than to stimulate desire.

I did it! I finally gave in and watched my Tamil porn, Sivaji: The Boss ………… in a theater, no less!!! What better way to spend the July 4th holiday than to wake up at 8am to catch a 9am screening of the most expensive Indian movie of all time, as the posters proclaimed.

Here’s a few thoughts on the movie (with plenty of spoilers):

Blonde & the Bust-i-ful

Word of warning: Do not attempt to review the movie. It’s not as much of a movie as a flight of fancy.

The movie itself is wildly entertaining …………………. if you’re a Rajnikant fan and/or understand Tamil, specifically insider Tamil jokes. For instance, Rajni’s two characters are named Sivaji and MGR – two Tamil actors from yesteryear. Rajnikanth’s real life name is also Sivaji Rao Gaikwad. Get it? Rajnikanth whose real name is Sivaji plays Sivaji. Clever, huh? If you don’t understand Tamil or get the insider jokes, I would advice giving this movie a miss, unless of course, your sole purpose of viewing this movie is to cherish Rajnikanth’s antics.

You have been warned: cigarette has been replaced by chewing gum (Nicorette, perhaps??) and a 1 Rupee coin.

The dialogue is stale – “The rich get richer, the poor get poorer” and something to the effect of “Pigs walk in herds, the lion walks alone”. This is the most expensive Indian movie ………… ever. The over-the-top dinchak song and dance routines and the blatantly-copied-from-Matrix fight sequences yell “M-O-N-E-Y”. However, the cost of the movie is really not reflected in the storyline – unless you count a couple of Mercedez sedans and an iMac.

The blatant apartheid in Tamil society is flouted in all its glory.

Apartheid exhibit A: Lady Love allegedly doesn’t like a dark guy so the hero applies white paint to his skin. Song (“Style”) and dance ensues(featured above) after Rajnikanth becomes “white”. At the end of the song they show a blonde “white” Rajnikanth chasing away a “black” Rajnikanth with dreads. We get it already, “white” skin in desirable, “black” skin is not. Lather, rinse, repeat. You’re ready to search for a Tamil life partner.

Apartheid exhibit B: The Lady Love’s neighbour’s daughters are “black” – two girls with black paint smeared on their faces. Classy!

Addressing a few misconceptions that rabid viewers of this movie may carry over in real life:

Misconception #1: The hero is one of us NRIs. Apparently working as a software engineer in the US and A for 20 years will make you a billionaire or at least someone with enough money to build, to quote the hero, “schools and colleges that will hand out education from kindergarten to a PhD” and hospitals. Please, if you’re planning to come to the good US and A to earn that kind of money by working for chindi desi consultants or will-lay-you-off tomorrow Amrikan companies, you’re sadly mistaken.

Misconception #2: It doesn’t matter if you’re dead. CPR will always bring you back to life. I’m no doctor but I have it on good authority, once you’re gone, you’re gone. And no way, a doctor revives two dead people within a matter of days let alone a lifetime.

Misconception #3: Apparently people (including my mother) still believe that movie stars have found the eternal fountain of youth. Wigs and plastic surgery – that is for the phoren folks only!

Misconception #4: iMacs that allegedly uses Sonic the Hedgehog as a voice recognition password system, are few and rare in between. In fact, they exist ……… only in Tamil movies.

Other “items” of interest:

Lady Love is a “good” Tamizh girl, with a Masters in Tamil, who only reveals her busty bosom in song and dance sequences. Lady Love is one hot macaci by the way! She gets the UberDesi stamp of I’d hit it.

Most expensive movie ever:

In case you never heard, a common argument thrown around is that X amount of money was spent on the making of this movie and the star was paid Y amount of money, so the movie must be good, right? Waterworld was the most expensive movie ever, when it was released. We all know how that panned out. Next time, invest the money in the storyline.

Summary: I’m sure Rajnikanth is a great dude in real life and all but I’ve yet to see a more blatant brand of self-promotion as “Superstar” Rajnikanth in Sivaji. For all its shortcomings, the movie is still entertaining ……………. if you understand Tamil and know all the inside jokes. If you’re there for cheapo stunts only, you struck a pot of gold. If you can see past the garish computer graphics and lavish sets, the music is above average and the song and dance routines aint half bad. The copying of Matrix style fight sequences in Indian movies is getting real old but to be fair, Rajnikanth was doing outlandish stunts when Neo was still in chaddis.

Rajnikanth is the man! No he really is. How else would you explain the success of what can only be termed as a futile exercise in mediocrity? The movie Sivaji – The Boss, is exactly what I termed it is, “Porn for the Tamil masses”.

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