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The newest line a man may try to use is, “baby, please let me cum inside of your [insert orifice of choice]… my semen is the best upper… throw away your happy pills and take a drink of daddy’s milkshake.”

While the visual of flossing spermies may not be appetizing, the man may have a point. “Crying over Spilled Semen,” reports that women are addicted to semen and that’s possibly a good thing.

The finding that women who do not use condoms during sex are less depressed and less likely to attempt suicide than are women who have sex with condoms and women who are not sexually active, leads one researcher to conclude that semen contains powerful—and potentially addictive—mood-altering chemicals.

Semen is more affordable and healthier than crack. Unfortunately even the highest grade of semen has a withdrawal effect:

[W]omen who routinely had intercourse without condoms became increasingly depressed as more time elapsed since their last sexual encounter.

Perhaps stressed out spermies are not as addictive? Currently, infertile Afghan couples are flying to India to satisfy their semen addiction. A country with over a billion people + 10 sperm banks = baby batter heaven. Unfortunately sperm and stress don’t mix, “decades of war and exposure to stress leads to hormonal disturbances that can lead to fertility problems.” Is this a recipe for less intoxicating semen, perhaps the O’Doul’s of semen?

Don’t want to suck down the road to semen-aholism? Just say NO to sperm.

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