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Culture

5 steps to getting a celebrity arrested.

By: Karthik :+: Under: Culture, Desi Ishtyle, Entertainment, Humor, Media Watch, Opinion, Religion, Sarcasm
On: ⋅ April 26, 2007 ⋅  Email this post ⋅  Print this post ⋅ Post a comment
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Image courtesy Indiafm.com

1) Keep checking the news to see which celebrities are visiting your country.
Given its recent rise in stature, people are looking at India as a hot destination to visit. Many of her neighboring countries aren’t exactly safe places. We also have a great movie industry, celebrities whose popularity is increasing around the world and religious leaders like the Dalai Lama who make their home there.

All this means one thing: celebrities love us. Will Smith, Brangelina, Liz Hurley and now…Richard Gere.

2) Watch these spiritual, “enlightened” stars closely to see what they do; there is an excellent chance that despite their devotion to yoga, they do not know everything about your culture and it is highly probable they will do something “offensive”.
Brangelina’s security staff roughed up some paparazzi, Liz Hurley had her beach wedding location demolished before she hurt Hindu sentiments and Richard Gere kissed fading-until-her Big Brother UK fame-Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty in public. Regarding that latter bit of misbehaving, Gere now has an arrest warrant issued against him.

3) The minute you find them doing something offensive, call a press conference.
It is simple; call the media offices, tell them you are having a press meet at a three star hotel, mention that there will be food and add “ooh by the way I am suing the latest celebrity to enter my country”. That’s it. You will have a bunch of reporters circling their potential prey in no time. While they are there, be considerate and open enough to tell them when you will be filing your complaint. Look pained and serious.

4) File a complaint at your local court and follow-up with the media about it.
Since News is slow to come by on most days, you can be assured that the reporters will be following you to court. Bonus points if you pick a small town in the middle of nowhere, since the press there has absolutely nothing to report and your story will be guaranteed front page news.

5) If necessary, bribe the judge and get an arrest warrant issued.
Anyone with a head over their shoulders will come to the conclusion that such cases are a waste of time and money for the courts and that they are awful PR for India, much like the food at any restaurant abroad which is named for the Taj or slum movies which star Patrick Swayze. The easy way to overcome this is to bribe the judge. Yes, it happens. And who would say no to money and being on TV for a few minutes everyday for the next week?

Good-going India, we need celebrities to be scared before they enter our country.

Uber Tip: Someone should write a “10 minute guide on how NOT to get an arrest warrant issued against you in India”. The international airports would make a good location for distribution; one could display the book above Deepak Chopra’s gushing nonsense and whatever curry-flavored novel that has won an award most recently.

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