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American Idol

This week in American Idol: The UberDesi tapes

By: Santosh :+: Under: American Idol, Blogs, Humor
On: ⋅ April 2, 2007 ⋅  Email this post ⋅  Print this post ⋅ Post a comment
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img: via Garamchai via MSNBC

Setting: Small 1 bedroom apartment in suburban New Jersey. Bollywood song playing on TV as the smell of chicken tikka masala cooking in the background wafts to your nostrils. Four men huddle around a phone speaking in foreign tongues in hushed tones. Sound of dial tone on the speakerphone as a number is punched in 1-800-DSI-STUD.
Person picks up on the other end (in heavily accented voice): “Hello! This is Scott at Acme Computer Support in Wyoming. How can I help you today?”.
Santosh: “Hey Apu! It’s me Santosh from UberDesi. I also have Karthik, Anantha and Sambol here.”.
Apu: “Hey guys! What are you doing?”
The guys: “Hey Apu! What are you doing?”
Apu: “Nothing much kuttas. Just chomping on some chivda, waiting for American Idol to start.”
Santosh: “Cool. But I thought American Idol was not aired live in India.”
Apu: “Ever heard of the Internet, Einstein?”
Anantha: “The one that Mumbai police is using to crack down on Salman haters?”
Apu: “Yea same one, machchan.”
Karthik: “Al Gore invented the Internet …….”
Sambol: “I use the dating websites on the Internet to search for the meaning of love …..”
Apu: “Anyway …………… we were hoping you guys at UberDesi could post the number to call in for this Sanjaya guy on American Idol.”
Santosh: “Howard Stern and VFTW already do that.”
Apu: “But I want information from Indian website only. I dont read American websites.”
Karthik: “Then why are you following an American show - American Idol, hello?”
Sambol: “His sister is hot.”
Santosh: “Yes this blogger, Patrix, has promised to send me photoshopped pictures of Shyamali …….. he he he he …….. nude. Shhhhh don’t tell anyone …. he he he.”
Apu: “He is half-Indian.”
Anantha: “His father is Marathi?”
Apu: “No. Bengali. Sanjaya means victory. We must support all Indians since India invented music.”
Karthik: “You mean like Al Gore invented the Internet?”
Apu: “Yes da. I will ask everyone at my call center to stop everything else and call in to vote for Sanjaya. So what if India didn’t win the Cricket World Cup? We will make sure an Indian wins American Idol.”
Sambol: “Speaking of the cricket world cup, I was in Jamaica maan. Love is blossoming there……..”
Santosh: “Yea dawg. I heard the beaches are awesome. Got any pics?”
Anantha: “Here’s a trivia: The first ODI was played on 5 January 1971 between Australia and England at the Melbourne Cricket Ground….”
Apu: (getting impatient) “Sanjaya is Indian. We have to make sure he wins American Idol.”
Karthik: “Stop BSing us man, Apu. Even if pigs could fly there is no way you could muster all those resources to vote for American Idol. There are no TVs where you work. Your Internet access is limited. You are chargeable by the second if not the minute. There is no way a kid fresh out of the college like you can organize such a massive grassroots campaign in the Indian call centers. Even if you get a hundred people to dial in, they will be outnumbered by the teenage girls and their pink cellphones in Hoboken, NJ. Consequently, as a transposition to the conjecture, Indian call centers cannot vote for Sanjaya.”
Santosh: “You make too much sense man. Someone fix him a glass of Old Monk.”
Apu: “But American tabloids have been speculating this for ages. So it must be possible.”
Karthik: “Hold on. We’re getting another call. (switches line). Hello?”
(Godfather intro music plays in background)
Don: “Mamma mia! This is Vito Corleone. I heard you guys are getting call centers in India to vote for Sanjaya.”
Santosh: “Huh? Who told you that?”
Don: “Luca Brasi said he read some tabloids.”
Karthik: “Just because Al Gore invented the Internet, doesn’t mean everything printed on the Internet is true.”
Don: “I’ll make you an offer you cant refuse. A man who doesn’t spend time with his family can never be a real man.”
Santosh: “What does that have to do with anything?”
Don: “I just thought it sounded molto cool. Anyway I want you to know that you guys have my support. Sonny is “talking” to this guy Howard Stern and Clemenza is working on this “website” VFTW. Sanjaya is half-Italian which means he is family and ….”
Sambol: “A man who doesn’t spend time with his family can never be a real man.”
Don: “Now you’re talking. I have a sentimental weakness for my children and I spoil them, as you can see. They talk when they should be listening.”
Anantha (annoyed): “Can you stop quoting from the movie please? You’re spoiling my trivia questions.”
Don: “It makes no difference to me what a man does for a living, understand. (click)”
Santosh: “That went well. Now I guess we better convince these call center guys to do it or we’ll be sleeping with the fish.”
Karthik: “Apu, you still there?”
Apu: “But I don’t eat fish. I’m vegetarian. Most Indians are vegetarians. Is Sanjaya vegetarian?”
Santosh: “Hold on I’m getting a text message.”
Text Message from Pimply13yearOldTeen: “OMFG! Snjya iz da bomb! Snjya wil win Amrcn Idol!! So cute!!!!!!! I wil die if Snjya dont win!!!!”
Karthik: “Did you hear about the girl who went on a hunger strike to vote him off?”
Sambol: “Poor girl! She must be heartbroke from last week’s results.”
Anantha: “She’s probably suffering from heartburn because of hunger.”
Santosh: “Even she stopped starving herself. I guess its the tabloids that are starving right now,”
Apu: “So are we doing this or not, my fellow Indians?”
Sambol: “I’m Sri Lankan…..”
Apu: “What? Is this a NRI website?”
Santosh: “Well, since Sambol is Sri Lankan, that makes him a NRL……”
Apu: “You guys are not true Indians!”
Text Message from Pimply13yearOldTeen: “WTF! If u don’t vot 4 Snjya I will kill u all mf!!!!”
Anantha: “Apu, did you know Sanjaya was half-Italian?”
Apu: “He is half-Indian. We must vote for Indians. India invented music……”
Karthik: “Like Al Gore invented the Intenet…..”
Santosh: “Hate to cut this short guys. My wife just called. She wanted me to pick up a gallon of milk and paper towels from CVS a.s.a.p!!! Bye!”
Disclaimer: Some names in here are real and some are fictional just to make fun of the tabloids that repeatedy keep pointing to our posts as suspicious. Apu, of course, is the name for an Indian stereotype based on the Simpson’s. Hey, if people can stereotype us and allege that we are tied to call centers, we are allow to stereotype ourselves.

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