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Desi Parents and Matrimony sites.

From Karthik On 29 November 2006 View Comments

Now that I have decided to not sit behind an anonymous handle and 99% of the readers know me personally, here is something that we do not discuss enough.

The failure of matrimony sites, at least with reference to the Desi community. To their credit, the sites have a lot of Indianized features, but the problem is with the person sitting behind the wheel.

It started like a mid 80’s bollywood movie; my parents decided that it was time for me to get “settled”. A family friend with a cute daughter at a cousin’s wedding and after two long years, I still do not see the light at the end of the tunnel.

When that did not work, their research led them to these websites that they could use. Being tech friendly, they put up a profile and voila, I was the hottest thing to hit the market since Rajnikanth, (or so they thought). A couple of weeks later, they were communicating with a zillion South Indian Tamil Iyer Brahmins from all over the world. It got to a point that every day, where I had to read through the list of women my dad had forwarded before I could check my security logs and make sure that my servers were not being hacked.

“Yenda Karthiee, What else do you want? She is educated, smart, successful and comes from a very good family… “ Try hearing that every time you talk to your parents for about six months and every time they spoke about any girl. In the end they did not care, they just wanted me settled.

Over the past two years, I have figured a few things out. Fell free to agree or disagree in the comments section below. The problem is more with the parents than with any one else who might be involved in the equation.

Indian parents do not know the first thing about communicating on the Internet. When most sites allow you to type up the entire Ramayana twice over with space left for translations in 20 different languages, you get five lines to decipher, decode and come to a conclusion on if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person.

And until you are cleared by the parents, the uncle, aunt, kid sister, the smelly brother and the family pet, you do not get to talk to the girl or write to her. Even if you do, they want to know what you think about her as soon as she has hit the send button replying to your “Just wanted to say Hi” email.

Another thing that I never get is “What high school did your son go to?” question. All this while the girl is always described as “a very well educated girl from a prestigious university”. Let me get this right, she is like every other Indian person I know. Hmmm how nice, Please don’t use prestigious, because it means a different thing for the people who are sitting in this country.

If I designed tools for one of these sites, I would be jumping off of the Golden gate bridge, with a huge piece of rock tied to my neck. Starting with spell check and moving on to using the BCC function when they email, the tools were created for a reason. I do not have a problem with you saving time, but my address in the mass email not only shows me how important I am, but also shows how much you care about the process. “We are impressed with the background of your family,” to ten different people, says it all.

Sticking to their traditional roots, people never tell you if they liked what they saw or otherwise. Most parents stop responding and replying after exchanging the first few emails. You do not know if they ceased to exist or if they are just not interested. If you do not think that this is going to work, let me know, that way, I strike you off of my list. And NO, passport photos do not qualify, not unless, I am a cyber investigator trying to match mug shots.

Bad Picture
Atleast this is not a passport picture.

So I made up my mind, no communication with parents. They just do not understand how things work and I am not spending any more time writing about this, but then again, I could start a site where parents could be banned from communicating. Hmmm…

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  • Vibha
    Hi Karthik,

    I don't think that matrimonial websites have failed to work for the desi community. I understand that one does come across profiles with very little/no description often managed by parents. I also agree that many times people do upload their passport size ph0tographs...but then the website is designed for all kinds of users. I strongly feel that your experience would have been much different if you would have managed your profile on such websites. You would have still got a lot of real crappy messages/emails given that you are a desi settled abroad, but with patience you might have come across a real interesting profile.


    A very good friend of mine married a desi guy who graduated from a prestigious American college through these websites. Both my friend as well and her husband had more or less similar expectations from the website as yours. They wanted the profiles to be managed by the prospective bride/groom; with casual photographs; and willingness to explore a fit before getting pressurized from families for any kind of a commitment. They came across each other's profile after being registered with the websites for more than 9 months and spent another 2-3 months messaging and talking to each other before the matter was referred to the parents. And if I may add they have been happily married for over 3 years now.
  • sambol
    Karthik and Ravi....get a life. Then try at least try...please to get married. Will make the world a better place. Santosh you are excluded from this sorry.
  • Just say went to BITS, end of story.


    But if my parents say, went to a prestigious engineering college, it increases the WOW factor and curiousity. Just plain old marketing.
  • Just say went to BITS, end of story.
  • Ravi
    Karthik,

    I agree with you on the statement stating "the word prestigious means different thing to different people".

    But I don't agree on the statement "when you are creating a profile online (that could be seen by a lot of people from different backgrounds), people should refrain from using such terms".

    Let me give you an example. If I am writing up my profile and let’s say I went to BITS pilani

    According to you I should write

    Attended school at the Prestigious Institute of BITS pilani (if you are in INDIA)
    Attended school at the NOT SO Prestigious Institute of BITS pilani (if you are in USA)
    Attended school at the MAYBE Prestigious Institute of BITS pilani (if you are in UK or AUS)
    Etc…

    I feel it does not make any sense.
  • My point is that people should understand that the word prestegious means different thing to different people and when you are creating a profile online ( that could be seen by a lot of people from different backgrounds), people should refrain from using such terms.


    Therein lies the catch my friend. When people create their profiles online for matrimony, more often than not they are looking for people similar to themselves and from a similar background. For instance, if Mr. X was from a middle class Tamil Iyer family, his parents are more likely to look for girls in the middle class Tamil Iyer community.
  • Santosh, Ravi partly answered your comment.


    I can give live examples of the so called great IIT ians who studied in Florida state university. What is the difference between the IIT ian and any other person who graduated from FSU.




    My point is that people should understand that the word prestegious means different thing to different people and when you are creating a profile online ( that could be seen by a lot of people from different backgrounds), people should refrain from using such terms.
  • Anyone writing a profile for a prospective marriage proposal will add some adjectives that might exaggerate their true personality.

    Ravi, when you take things seriously, you will try to be as truthful as you can. Would you lie on your resume and then show up for an interview? It's the same thing here.

    Also, when I am being truthful, I expect the other person to be as honest as they can.

    Let me clarify one thing, in INDIA it’s still very difficult for a girl to get married if she is rejected by a guy. But when it comes to a male, it quite opposite. The guy can date 10 girls but he can still get married to the most beautiful, smart, intelligent girl. There is no necessity (not yet, might change in the future) for the boy to be protected.

    I really do not want to get into the details, but you are not 100% accurate here. If this were the case, many of my friends (female of course) would be single for the rest of their lives. What makes you think that men do not get hurt?

    Besides, Ravi, I was talking about the whole issue with the understanding that I am here in the USA. If you want to understand what I am talking about, you need to check this out.


    are there any rules about how to communicate on internet?

    There are rules, unsaid, unspoken, but there are rules. Some of these rules are common sense. Like spell check, like formatting your email and like writing back in a reasonable time frame.

    I can see that you (Ravi) and Vick have not tried this. If and when you do, you will understand every single thing that I am talking about.

    Again, the important point here is how serious are they about the issue. From personal experience, most people use these as a backup to traditional methods and do not invest as much time as they should.

    I have come across one line profiles, no information about the family (the same family that you are talking about). Am I to assume that the the family (or the girl) has something to hide?
  • He’s right, prestigious over there is meaningless here, unless we’re discussing IIT.

    I disagree with that statement Anna. This is a very subjective topic we're discussing. IIT may the only Indian University that means something to you. But I'm sure there are lot of Indian families that consider other colleges in India "prestigious". There are numerous other colleges that are very high profile - BITS Pilani, VJTI Mumbai just to name a couple.
  • Ravi
    ---There is a proper way to describe a person, so that someone perusing their profile gains at least an introductory sense of them; that’s the courteous AND efficient thing to do.

    If someone is trying to judge a persons mentality or character by what he writes in some website, then I feel very sorry for them. Anyone writing a profile for a prospective marriage proposal will add some adjectives that might exaggerate their true personality. That’s just human nature. My question is what exactly are we looking for in a person whom you want to spend your whole life with. I don’t think most people even care about what color does he/she like or what’s his/her favorite food. A profile does not give any incite about a person; it just specifies that this person is available and looking for a person with xyz qualities.

    ---Who is protecting the boys? Several of my male friends’ marriages are now over because they ended up in a nightmarish situation with a woman they barely knew, who ended up being batshit crazy.

    Let me clarify one thing, in INDIA it’s still very difficult for a girl to get married if she is rejected by a guy. But when it comes to a male, it quite opposite. The guy can date 10 girls but he can still get married to the most beautiful, smart, intelligent girl. There is no necessity (not yet, might change in the future) for the boy to be protected.
    I am sorry to hear that you have friends who had bad experiences with traditional marriages. It’s a wrong conclusion that divorces happen be’cos of traditional marriages.
    If you look at the divorce rate in World
    US - 50% India - 1.1% Canada - 48% UK -13.9% Australia- 40%. As you know 95% of marriages are arranged in INDIA.
    I want to stress on one more point, in INDIA married is union of not only two people but a union of 2 families.

    ---Prestigious over there is meaningless here, unless we’re discussing IIT.

    It means a lot. People (especially Indian community) do care where you graduated from in INDIA even though it’s not IIT. If you go to ITT its great, but if you graduate from any government university in your state it means are you are the cream of INDIA. I can give live examples of the so called great IIT ians who studied in Florida state university. What is the difference between the IIT ian and any other person who graduated from FSU.

    The main problem with this article is that he generalized the idea of “Indian parents do not know the first thing about communicating on the Internet”. That is absolutely wrong. Let me ask you a question; are there any rules about how to communicate on internet?

    People should not try to travel on 2 boats at the same time. You either go with a completely tradition marriage or go date a girl and get hooked up. You should not expect to have an arranged married where you can date the girl for sometime and then decide whether you want to marry that girl. That is not how arranged marriages work. The websites referred in the article are not dating sites but for prospective arranged marriages only..
  • I beg to differ - There is no such thing as ‘the proper way’ to communicate on the Internet. From your experience it seems as though the communication you’ve encountered with Indian parents on the Internet didn’t confirm to the standard set by you, for yourself.

    There is a proper way to describe a person, so that someone perusing their profile gains at least an introductory sense of them; that's the courteous AND efficient thing to do. Beyond that utterly logical statement, the standards set in this post, by this blogger, for himself are ALL that matter since HE is the one getting married. He can decline a proposal if he dislikes the font it was typed in, that's his right. It's his future he's risking. And fonts are important.

    The fact that all those people need to approve before letting the girl and guy communicate could be taken as parents being protective of their daughter and doing everything they can to make sure they don’t hand their girl to a predator (or someone else likewise).

    And who is protecting the boys? It's amazing; all of the females I know who married someone in this traditional way are fine-- the men are not. Several of my male friends' marriages are now over because they ended up in a nightmarish situation with a woman they barely knew, who ended up being batshit crazy. But hey-- their in-laws, the smelly brother and the family dog were all GREAT and obviously make the entire tragedy bearable.

    Again, this goes back to the standard set by you about communicating on the Internet. If the parents think that they sent to their son/daughter to a prestigious school (in thier opinion), who gives you the right to deny them of their pride?

    I think the proclivity towards egregious exaggeration in this realm (whether it's in regards to height, skin color or educational background) must be remembered at all times, since every parent is going to declare that their Aishwarya-look-alike went to the best college ever. Karthik's point is well-taken for another reason; he's here. He's right, prestigious over there is meaningless here, unless we're discussing IIT. I didn't interpret his post as an attempt to deny the parents of a potential mate of anything...there's nothing wrong with hoping for a little truth in advertising.
  • Vick
    Karthik - "Indian parents do not know the first thing about communicating on the Internet."

    I beg to differ - There is no such thing as 'the proper way' to communicate on the Internet. From your experience it seems as though the communication you've encountered with Indian parents on the Internet didn't confirm to the standard set by you, for yourself.

    Karthik - "And until you are cleared by the parents, the uncle, aunt, kid sister, the smelly brother and the family pet, you do not get to talk to the girl or write to her."

    Do you really want to get through to the girl before all these people and animals approve of your profile? What good will speaking/chatting/communicating with the girl do if they aren't going to approve of you? The fact that all those people need to approve before letting the girl and guy communicate could be taken as parents being protective of their daughter and doing everything they can to make sure they don't hand their girl to a predator (or someone else likewise).

    Karthik - "Please don’t use prestigious, because it means a different thing for the people who are sitting in this country."

    Again, this goes back to the standard set by you about communicating on the Internet. If the parents think that they sent to their son/daughter to a prestigious school (in thier opinion), who gives you the right to deny them of their pride?

    Comments?
    - V
  • Of course I dont have any experience to judge this on but feels like the biggest reason for the failure of matrimony sites is meddling parents.
    Comments? Suggestions?
  • Karthik
    Man, trust me, I am done with this BS. If it happens, it will, I ain't sweating it anymore.

    Ask your mom to delete the profile man. But that is really funny.

    And no, I have no clue on who that is, was on the way back from a cricket match in Sarasotta.
  • Btw, in the picture above, there is a dude behind you with hairy legs. Just thought you should know :-D
  • I know 2-3 Tamil Brahmin girls from (quoting Dr. Evil style) "good families" who have graduated from "prestigious universities" and are working for "prestigious companies" ;-)
    They want to know how much dowry you're expecting. I set the price at "1 million dollars".
    Btw, I feel your pain about being the hottest thing since Rajnikanth. My mom put up my profile on one of these crappy sites 5 years back and apparently she still gets emails about those. Talk about being on Indian Standard Time.
  • Karthik
    Hell yeah, I am finding a girl myself, but this is a cautionary tale for all the 'new kids on the block'.
  • raapi
    hey..
    been thro this b4 n felt the same.But dint give them too much time to do all this.Found a girl myself.
    Guess you shud do the same!
    -Raapi
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